It’s true, and I hope this doesn’t disappoint you, but you are not a unicorn. Other people have experienced what you’re experiencing!
When it comes to OCD, it’s easy to get caught in this trap of thinking that what you’re experiencing is somehow different and unique and so out there that no one else has ever gone through it. Hopefully it will come as some relief when I tell you that, believe me, someone has. In fact, OCD likes to get you with this one. It’s just another way of it being clever. If it can trick you into thinking you’re somehow a special case, you’re more likely to go into reassurance or other compulsions, possibly scouring the internet trying to find stories similar to yours or blog posts that will offer a momentary relief from the idea that you truly are crazy, or horrible, or did something awful… etc. etc. It’s also just another area OCD can inject some uncertainty – “Well how do I really know it’s OCD?”
No matter how OCD presents itself, it does the same thing for each person. It latches onto what you care about and creates uncertainty around it. The more you resist uncertainty, the more uncertainty will seem to be there. Because you want so badly to get rid of it, OCD and your brain will create more and more so that there’s something to (attempt to) get rid of. At the base of it all is one or several core fears, that when you boil down all the obsessions and compulsions, that can all be filtered into these core fears. For me, the biggest core one seems to be the fear of losing love or not being liked or loved. It’s likely different and unique for you (or maybe it’s the same and we’re core fear twins!) 😉 but either way, what you’re experiencing is just another manifestation of the OCD utilizing your core fears to cleverly create uncertainty, and you reacting with anything other than acceptance.
Stop worrying whether you have OCD, or whether these thoughts and feelings are so unique that you’re clearly a special case and definitely going crazy. Stop spending time trying to figure out if your case is the one that’s gonna break the mold and not in the good sense of the phrase. You’re obsessions and compulsions and these worries are just symptoms, and if you only treat that they’ll just keep coming back, mutating into other things, and getting stronger.
Instead, start facing what’s really happening. Start experiencing the uncertainty and doing nothing about it. Start letting the fear, doubt, worry, sadness, anxiety – whatever it is – start letting it in and really feel it. It’s not going to kill you. In fact, it’s going to make you more YOU because there will be space for more of you. You’ll no longer be spending so much energy resisting, trying to control, or trying to fix what you’re feeling or what’s going on in your head. You’ll be stronger because you’ll see firsthand that you can handle it, that you are strong, and that thoughts are just thoughts, feelings just feelings.