I just don’t care. Did I get you with that title? It’s true. This is an open letter sharing what I mean by that. I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t care, that is, about the not important things in life. I don’t care.
After realizing over and over again that the anxiety and OCD creature, or whatever you want to call it, was a repeat offender (always the same thing disguised as something else), I’ve stopped buying in. It’s actually become harder to attend to the “intrusive” thoughts and less than comfortable emotions in the way I’d been attending to them when I was deeper in the OCD and anxiety struggle – worrying, worrying about the worry, trying to get rid of a thought, ruminating, resisting, judging, thinking, thinking, thinking… Where that was once my habit, it started to become something I would have to actually try to do. My normal that I had been practicing all the time, that made me so uncomfortable, started to become my abnormal as I consciously shifted gears. I think the creature started giving up when I started giving in and saying, “That’s fine. I see you there but that’s about all I’m gonna do with that right now. I’ve got other things I want to do with my time.”
I have too much that I value in my life to focus on, rather than spend time and energy on worries, anxieties, fears, resistance, and any general caring about things that are not important to me. I don’t care that the thoughts are there, or difficult emotions. I’m still going from point A to point B regardless. I’m still going to where I want to go whether they tag along or not.
It starts to become incredibly freeing, actually just feeling what you feel, no judgements, or letting things be there even if they’re not the prettiest, no judgements. It frees up so much energy and space in life. You begin to feel empowered and like the driver of your life again. You can start moving forward. The sun might even start to appear a little brighter 🙂
Even at the very beginning of starting to untangle the OCD and intense anxiety entanglement that I was in, I had a similar realization. “It seems like I just care too much…” So much worrying about what others think, whether I was doing enough, a good enough person, whether I made a mistake, whether this or that might happen… Time spent ruminating, rehearsing, analyzing, judging, thinking, thinking, thinking… And it turns out, it’s true. I was caring too much. And I don’t have to.
It feels really good to care in the way I do care now. I care about loving myself truly, deeply, openly, and unconditionally. I care about sharing this love with others. I care about speaking from my heart, and expressing myself authentically. I care about having faith and trusting, and tapping into my inner wisdom, and living from that place. I care about kindness. I care about passion and engagement and connection. I care about fun and adventure and enjoying life. I care about courage and bravery and facing my fears. These are the things I choose to care about these days. And the world is a whole lot brighter, freer, and more open for me as a result.
So if living free is right here for me now, and part of that means not caring about certain things in order for this to be, then hell yes. Sign me up. I’m there.