Maybe you’ve felt a need to hold on to something that feels safe or familiar, or to understand, or have things “figured out”…
Or you’ve been judging yourself, your process, or where you’re at in life…
Maybe it’s been strong, or somewhere in the background…
If so, I can understand.
I’ve felt that way for awhile without realizing just how much I was.
Even though I knew I was safe and all was well, it didn’t quite feel like it…
Within the past few weeks, something was opening up within me. First as a spaciousness. And then as an awakening, and an outpouring.
At a weekend retreat for a mastermind for women in leadership, I was being led through processes that accessed spaces within me – things that needed to felt. Experiences that needed to be brought to light and to consciousness.
And I surrendered. Not at first – at first I half-resisted. But with some time, I allowed. All these emotions that needed to come up and through…
I was in a container where I felt safe enough to do so, and begin this process and what was wanting to unfold.
Through allowing myself to go to the places within me that felt all this FEAR, that wanted to so badly to just understand and know what was going to happen, and to know that I was on track, on the right path…
To see what felt like piles and piles of self-doubt, that was within me.
This old way of being, that I was half in, half out, that I was still holding on to at least by a thread.
And then all of sudden it was too much. It was too much to hold on to. I couldn’t hold on anymore.
So I let go.
And let go.
And let go.
(And I’m still letting go and letting it through.)
I felt things that I didn’t know I even needed to feel.
For the first time, I saw some of the the ways I was seeing myself – for the first time looking at the person that was looking through these goggles of distortion, rather than just looking through the goggles myself… not realizing they were even on… or the depth of the images they had been projecting.
I saw so many of the limiting ways I viewed myself – but from a different vantage point now. From a place of waking up, and allowing myself to feel how much it hurt to believe these things. Looking at them rather than seeing through them as reality.
Because I’ve been in a process of opening up my heart and RECEIVING, and allowing myself to see the support around me and allow that support in – I finally felt in a place to begin letting this all out. To begin the process.
To start to let my hair down.
I started to let things flow through more and more. To go with the flow more and more. To trust. To be ok not totally understanding what was happening yet. To trust that what I was feeling was perfect, even if it felt “negative” or heavy or without a clear or concise explanation.
In fact, I began to welcome and want this experience – this experience of lack of inspiration, of judging myself, of feeling down. In its own way, it was grounding. I wanted it because I wanted to see what was there. To go to this place so that I could be with it. To know that this too was ok.
And then begin to bring some compassion to it.
Some much needed compassion and permission and acceptance.
And this insight came in – I saw that I’m here to teach through sharing as much (or possibly more than) teaching through teaching.
THIS is how I want to live life. Real. Raw. Truthful. With TOTAL PERMISSION.
We’re human and this is all part of the process. It’s meant to be messy.
That’s a part of who I am, and I’m beginning to allow that and to love that. All that messiness within and outside.
The other way of operating – of trying hard or wanting to appear as if I’ve got it “figured out” and all together, or wanting to know I’m good enough and liked – that way is feeling more and more exhausting and unaligned. This way was innocent though, and always trying to help me.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it most of the time. I didn’t see the ways I was basing things off someone else rather than off myself. Tuning in outside first, rather than inside.
I see its innocence. And I also feel this shift from it feeling less and less natural to be in that way of being.
That way of being that wants to know how I’m doing in a sense “Am I doing good enough?”, or how I’m measuring up – that is falling away too.
This new way of knowing and embracing my humanness, and at that same time knowing, living, and LOVING from the TRUTH of who I am – THAT feels aligned. That feels doable. That feels like the only way I can anymore.
So I’m letting my hair down. It’s a process, but I’m smiling as I write this, because my heart feels so happy about it.
Life is so simple, and sometimes we have to do a lot of uncovering and letting go to get back to that simplicity. The peace and truth of who we really are. But it’s beautiful as we do, isn’t it? As we keep coming back home, seeing and knowing more and more of that truth and that simplicity.
Through all the beautiful messiness. ❤️
I hope that this awakens something within you, to know that if you’re believing something limiting or hurtful about yourself, it’s not the truth, it’s just the goggles. Even if it feels true sometimes or often… It’s just a perception, and it’s innocent. And those goggles – you can trade those in, or take them off entirely.
I know that this message will reach you exactly as it needs to, when it needs to. And I hope that the love I’m finding and reclaiming for myself can help you to know and experience the love that is already within you for yourself as well. ❤️
From my heart,