Complete Surrender

When you learn how to listen to your intuition over your fear, life can expand in all the ways you’ve dreamed of. Being willing to work with fear allows you to feel free to live the life you know deep down you desire.

I’ve been keeping a secret. Not because it’s something I have to hide, but because it’s something that’s been so personal, so intimate, so deeply transformational.

And I’ve been SO. IN. PROCESS.

I’ve been in it.

I’m still in it.

Life is such a magical, wonderful, crazy, hard, amazing thing. And I’ve been experiencing that more viscerally than ever these days.

The thing is, I’M PREGNANT! And so far, it’s been the wildest journey I’ve ever been on.

People don’t really talk enough about how wild this journey is, I think partially because many people are moving too fast to notice and/or not taking enough time to express it. Or they don’t know how. Or they're scared to be so honest. Or they're just flat out repressing it. I think also partially because it really is such a deeply personal, intimate, vulnerable transformative experience.

I didn’t know if I wanted to have kids. It wasn’t until I met my husband, and a couple years into dating him, that I did know intuitively (after many conversations and lots of fear) that I wanted to have kids with him specifically. Not just in general. Not because of some hormones kicking in. It was purely intuition rising above A LOT of fear, and a specific, deep knowing.

It wasn’t until we were ready to say, “Ok, now’s the time,” that the fear really began to come up.

This is sort of my MO though. I love to throw myself into things and see what happens. I love that when I’m in action, that’s when I really discover what all is going on underneath, and what it’s really like. It’s how I learn best, and it’s how I grow best.

So there I was in it, in the fear, processing it and feeling it. Not feeling sure about anything, yet knowing. And as you can see from the pictures, I did get pregnant. It happened 😆

It was an intuitive decision. I didn’t have 100% certainty of what it would be like - to be pregnant or to have a kid. I was going based on my inner knowing, and TRUSTING that I can handle it, and that it’s right because my intuition told me so.

I knew that there were a million ways this could go. So I stayed open, to just experience it as it unfolded. No expectations. No certainty.

This took a deep level of trust within myself, which I’ve been growing and nurturing for years now, preparing me for these very moments, these months, this journey.

There was fear about what would happen to my body, to my relationships, to my business, to my finances, to my freedom…

And with all that, I trusted. I felt the fear and did it anyways. I took intuitive action and let go.

This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done physically, hands down.

Similar to coaching, it’s really hard to understand what pregnancy is like unless you experience it. And fuck, it’s hard.

I never expected to feel unrelenting nausea, all day, for months. I thought since I was healthy and in good shape that wouldn’t happen to me.

I never expected to have an awful taste in my mouth most of the time.

I kind of expected to have food aversions, but was surprised that it was basically all the things I ate all the time that I could no longer eat.

Every phase of this pregnancy has come with its own physical challenge. A new delight each day 🤪

I’m at the point now where moving around is exhausting, and there’s only about 2-3 positions I can sit or lay in that are any semblance of comfortable. This is a challenge when in my mind I’m still capable of the same level of physical exertion. I’ve had to come to terms with my own physical limitations.

None of this is to complain, but it’s to paint a little bit of a picture of why it’s been the hardest thing I’ve done physically. And it’s lasted the entire time. So imagine feeling sick for a week, and then a month, and then doing it for 8 months in a row 😆😬 And still one to go!

(I was already in awe and wonder of what women are capable of, and how powerful we are. Now I'm floored, beside myself with the knowing. Not just by what I and my body have been capable of, but also by the women I've been surrounded by in the process.)

Not only that, it’s been one of the most revelatory things I’ve done emotionally and mentally. I’ve grown in ways I could not have imagined. I’m truly so grateful.

One of the things I’m most grateful for is the level of surrender and vulnerability that I’ve been able to lean into.

These are two feminine energies that are deeply misunderstood and devalued in our society. And in my opinion, they are some of the fiercest, most powerful strengths we can have.

Thank you Universe for this gift. Things are always happening for us, not to us.

This journey has made me breakdown to breakthrough, to a point where I received the gift of CLARITY, which often will come if we allow ourselves to go through the messy process of change and transformation. If we let ourselves break down.

✨ I’ve seen so clearly that relationships are lifelines, and doubled down on their priority in my life.

I broke down walls that had been there for years, that I could feel, but never approach, before being challenged in the ways I have been.

✨ I’ve realized that productivity is overrated (already knew that but this is next level), and that focusing so much on my to-do’s will never bring me true fulfillment. They can often wait for another day. They’re not the most important thing.

✨ I’ve let things get messy.

✨I’ve learned how to let go of control more.

✨ I’m healing perfectionism at a deeper level.

✨ I’ve seen how, for me, being a creative being and being involved in creative collaboration LIGHTS ME UP, and MUST be a part of my life. (That’s just some of the clarity I was talking about.)

✨ My values and priorities, and my ability to LIVE those values, has become more and more honed in and lived out.

You see? Everything is happening for us. Even the hard things.

But this is only possible when we’re willing to take those risks. When we’re willing to let it get messy. When we’re willing to be honest with ourselves.

I had to get really honest with myself when I felt sad and often felt this heavy darkness on so many days throughout this pregnancy. There was no reason to clearly point to for it, but on a deep level I knew that I was going through a mourning process. That there was SO MUCH change I was processing… If I had tried to shove that down or run away from that or deny that, or try to understand it more than was possible in that moment, I wouldn’t be where I am. That’s why it takes both acceptance and self-honesty.

It’s the challenges in life that can show us more of who we are, help us hone our gifts, develop our strength and grit, and ultimately free us to live a more limitless life.

But far too often we let fear or doubt stop us, and ignore our deeply powerful intuitive knowings.

We have to be willing to listen to our intuition, and if we don’t know how, to learn how. And when we learn how, to develop the grit and strength to move forward even in the face of fear.

Fearlessness is not really a thing. (And if it is a thing, frankly I’m not interested. Don’t need it.) In my experience, the fear is gonna be there, it’s about your ability to work with it. All the gold is on the other side.

So my message to you is this - Listen.

Start listening to that knowing. Don’t shy away. Run towards it, even when it might mean doing something hard.

You can feel the fear, and do it anyway.

Otherwise, we just stay stuck in what was, in our past, and in wondering what could be, but never experiencing or living it. Yes, short term comfortable, but ultimately long term painful.

It may feel safer to stay the same but that’s only because it’s familiar. When we learn to trust ourselves, we can find that same safety in the unknown.

Thanks for sharing in my news, and I hope this inspired you to move towards those inner knowings, and trust that they’re the right next step, simply because your intuition told you so 😉

p.s.

Who knew it (the mess, the process…) could look like this? 🤣

Ok, this is not how it looks everyday!! 😂🤣

But that’s the thing, THAT is what beauty is. It’s allll the things. It’s not just the sunshine and rainbows. It’s the darkness and clouds and pain and the not knowing, the uncertainty, the vulnerability. It’s the messiness. It’s ALL-ENCOMPASSING. That’s true beauty. How much more interesting is a painting with some contrast and a little darkness, right? ❤️ I have more to share on this a little down the line… When we embrace it all, life really is beautiful. ❤️

If you loved this blog post, you might also enjoy these…